What good is it to have experiences in life that teach us, if we don’t have the opportunity to share them with others? I truly believe that we are put on this world to learn from experiences – our own and our interpretations of what others are doing and going through. I’m writing my own experiences that may help when struggling with testimonies and the overload of living in this day and this age.
I remember one day when I was in my mid-thirties. I had five children from 15 to toddler. My husband’s job kept him so busy and gone so much of the time on business trips that I was practically a single mom. I taught seminary or gospel doctrine then which required a lot of my time. But my testimony was strong and I worked hard.
And then one day it was as if something snapped and I found myself sitting on the floor of the shower, the water running over me and washing away gallons of tears and great shuddering sobs overcame me. I was melting down. I don’t remember what precipitated the experience. But I remember the feelings of “I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t go on, I’m not strong enough, I quit, I’m done!” That’s where my husband found me when he arrived home from work that day. It kind of reminds me of that movie “Overboard” with Goldie Hawn. In one scene she is found sitting on a chair in a spotless house after a heroic day of cleaning and caring for four young (rotten!) boys and she just sits there staring and saying “Buh, buh, buh, buh…” while the boys watch and one of them continues to throw grapes at her legitimizing what he’s doing by saying "She needs to eat and besides it’s fun." I laughed, but I knew how she felt.
Well, my husband wrung me out and took over for me while I went to bed and got over it for that day. But then I knew that I had to do something. I knew that I had to figure out a way to cope with everything. I did two things that were important. First I saw my Dr. who prescribed Prozac which I took for 10 months. It was important to recognize that some of my emotions were chemically correctible. AND about that time a book came out which had a powerful influence over me. It is called “Believing Christ.” In that book the author tells of coming home to find his wife in the shower melting down – “Wow!” I thought, “there’s a coincidence!” As I read through his book, which includes the famous “parable of the bicycle” I found some truths in the pages that really helped me and changed my outlook.
I knew that I believed in Christ – I had had a wonderful experience-revelation-vision that taught me to believe in him. But, as the premise of the book challenged, did I really believe him? Did I believe that he could help me, heal me, fix me like he said he could and would? That’s when the personal application of Christ’s atonement began to reach me. I had gotten that far in my life on my own talents and abilities and my reserves had been completely used up.
The change in me was sudden and it was gradual. I decided to try the merits of the atonement in my own life. I knew about repentance - that I was forgiven when I repented - and had applied the atonement by repenting throughout my life, but somehow this concept of the healing balm of Christ had escaped me in all my studies and my life’s experience to that point. I realized that in my pursuit of perfection (I actually still own the book ‘Supermom’”) I was trying to be perfect and to get to heaven on my own merits. I realized that the scripture “…after all I can do” didn’t mean that If I did “all” it would be enough (which was a tremendous, overwhelming amount) then I would be perfect, but that it really meant “…after all I can do,” --I still would need someone to do the rest. Ah, now I understood. I would never be able to finish or get it right on my own. I was so grateful that my brother Jesus loved me so much that he would help me get the rest of the way and not “someday” but right then, right now - from where I was.
So, I learned to place my burdens on him. He said his yoke was easy and his burden was light. He said “I am the great physician.” He was The Son that was the literal embodiment of the love of God given to the world, and given to me. He was Grace. I learned to say to Heavenly Father, “I can’t do this right now, could Jesus please carry this burden for me? It’s too heavy.” I would feel so different when I said those words in my prayers. I really would feel lightened or maybe enlightened! These thoughts and ideas and newfound meanings really gave me tools to work on the really hard stuff that was coming up. But that’s for my next letter.